At times I’m just too tired to explain how I’m feeling. (You might have noticed I write less often than I used to and that’s one of the reasons for it.) Sometimes there is a storm of emotions inside me which I realise are irrational but I can’t quell them. So to avoid saying anything that I would later regret, I find myself clamming up. But my face rarely gets the memo and goes into full on sulky mode. I’m so bored of this brain injury, I wish I could direct my anger at it and evict it from my head. Sadly it doesn’t work like that though.
At the time clamming up feels like the lesser of two evils. But maybe it isn’t.
My silence carries more weight than I intend it to. All I’m doing it trying to contain my poisonous tongue. Some people go quiet for dramatic effect, waiting for someone to ask “What’s wrong, you’ve hardly said a word today?” I guarantee you, that when you are struggling with a brain injury there is no such thing as dramatic effect.
Even when I’m trying to be mindful, holding my tongue is the best I can do. I might be sulking about my partner James having to work so much, and having less time with him. As he is the only one bringing in a income, I know I can’t begrudge him for being so conscientious. In fact, I know he would like nothing more than being able to work less, or even take early retirement. But currently neither are an option. So I try to remind myself of this and empathise with his position. And it works, but not for my brain injury. It just keeps complaining and dragging me down.
How silence leaves too many unanswered questions.
My grumpiness is too obvious, and I know it makes James feel guilty. But he has nothing to feel guilty about. He has been truly amazing the entire time. Superman hasn’t got a patch on this guy. If the world had more people like him in it, people wouldn’t need heaven.
But he still doubts himself as he can read my face. So eventually I manage to spill, but I start with a disclaimer: “I know I’m being stupid, and here’s the reason why it’s stupid …..blah,blah,blah…. but I can’t help it. I’m upset about ….x,y,z….. because…..”
This really does help the situation, it’s just a shame it takes me so long to be in a position where I can do it. James is getting used to my behaviour, but he is only human (although he’s as close to an angel as you can get.) When I am clamming up, his mind is running a million miles an hour, thinking of all the things I might be annoyed about. I do feel bad for torturing him like this as he doesn’t deserve it. So here’s a shout out for all the carers who somehow put up with the nonsense some of us survivors put them through.
I’m tired and I’ve run out of words again so I’m going to leave it there. I think you get the point, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who is going through this.
Other articles you may like:
- 10 foods for riding the obligatory brain injury roller-coaster.
- Brain injury does not = lack of intelligence.
- Am I turning into a control freak with a brain injury?
- Exhausted energy levels. Brain injury can leave you high & dry.
- Dodge behaviour related misunderstandings provoked by brain injury. Tips from a survivor.
- Brain injury from surviving to thriving 6 weeks course
4 replies on “Clamming up about my brain injury stings relationships”
For me it is the opposite, I say whatever comes to mind. That, some of the time, can also be very hurtful. I say things before thinking about it, so there’s no filter. If I think about what I’m going to say first, I forget what I’m talking about! It is so much safer to email people, that way I can take my time and think about it first. It’s been almost 30 years since my accident, and within the last 5 years it has hit me like an atomic bomb.
We’ve moved around a lot, so I don’t have any close friends. I feel like I have to explain to everyone why I am the way I am, and my husband and son are tired of hearing about it. I need someone in my life to talk to beside my mom, since she won’t be around forever.
Are there any local support groups you could join? Other survivors would understand you and would find it helpful to swap experiences and tips with you.
Michelle,
“Clamming up” as you call it, can be positive. It prevents us from hurting someone. Silence is okay. I’d suggest telling James that when you’re quiet, it may be because you just need time to come up with whatever you’re thinking. Tell him it’s not necessarily anything to do with him.
We TBI survivors are different than we used to be. There’s a “new normal” to adjust to. And it’s HARD and takes longer than we want it to. Always. Our family and friends will adapt over time and we will too. But that takes time too.
Hang in there. (I’m talking to myself here as much as I am to you and I’ve been recovering a lot longer than you have.
Thanks Ellen this really helps. I sometimes think I’m so horrible and I’m pushing James away when I don’t mean to. I guess we’re both still adapting.